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November 24, 2002

Dream: Elementary School

I have a recurring dream that takes place at my elementary school. In the dream I am current age, and the people I see, whom I went to school with, are also current age. The dream is usually very nostalgic, depressing and emotional. I didn't like that period so much. A couple nights ago I had the same dream, though for the first time, it had changed in tone. I was my current age, as was all my old peers, and the school hadn't changed, but I felt different about it. It was the last day of school and I was just visiting to see my old teachers to tell them what I had been up to. In the past, when I'd had this dream, it wasn't necessarily a positive message I had for my old teachers. This time, however, I felt better. It was still nostalgic and emotional, but it wasn't depressing. I realized that I was happy with my life and the direction it was going. I wanted to show my old teachers how much I'd changed, that I'd become a completed different person.

There was one part of the dream that wasn't happy. At some point in the dream, there was an assembly and they were handing this mike around for people to say a few words. Somehow the mike came to me and I said some enthusiastic things and gave the mike back. I don't remember what I said, nor do I think it was important. Later in the dream I saw one of the 'cool kids' from when I was young, though he was current age. He made fun of me for what I said in the mike, though his insult made no sense, since I hadn't said anything stupid. Nonetheless, it made me furious and I immediately yelled back at him, obviously shaken. To me, this part of the dream meant that I haven't gotten over my old prejudice against the 'cool kids', which probably developed in the first grade. I'm being very general when I say, 'cool kids', so I'll explain what I mean. The cool kids are popular for no particular reason. They are complete following tools, yet people follow them because of it. They are handed things, just because they are popular, which makes them try even less. They cheat and win, while others play fair and fall second. Worst of all, they roam through life oblivious to their selfishness believing their privilege an inalienable right which was bestowed upon them for reasons they probably don't dare ask. The fact that most are beneath them is a consequence of evolution and no fault of theirs.

The strangest part of all, is the seemingly telepathic ability the 'cool kids' have at finding those who aren't as confident. Like how an animal can sense fear. This too is probably an evolutionary thing since its much easier for them to pick on those they know do not have the confidence to ignore them. With each win, the cool kid gets stronger in his own mind and in the public eye.

Perhaps I am being harsh, but that is to be expected since we've already established I'm prejudice against them. The larger question is why it still bothers me. I'm not sure, probably has something to do with fairness or hard work paying off. I'm less afflicted by this than I used to be, probably because I feel more confident about who I am, not feeling as strong a need to be accepted by everyone. But it still bothers me. Later in life I'm finding two interesting things though. When I was young I believed after high school, the cool kids would all fade away because of their lack of trying. In reality many of them go on to be very successful just because of their privilege. The contradicting thing I learned was that some of the cool kids aren't as bad anymore and don't feel the need to look down on others as much. While there is still some subconscious something which gives them privilege and they are still unaware of that fact, they are not as bad as they used to be.

I am sure, one of the reasons I always strive to be the boss is because it gives me a conformable, confident position where I am above ridicule. I'd like to believe I use my position to demonstrate how 'power' should act. Not by bossing people around, but by being an example and a sympathetic force toward achieving the groups goals. The final analysis, its hopeless to attempt to make life fair, the only hope is to learn to deal with it, confidently. You can't change others, only yourself.

Posted by wonko at November 24, 2002 08:36 PM

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