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April 17, 2003

Me, Myself, and Greg

The last time I visited LA, I had intended to spend some time with Greg, but it didn't turn out. So this time I wanted to make sure I met with him, but with my fam in town, I wasn't sure it was gonna work. Well, it did work, late Saturday night was the only time we had though. We met up at a sweet Coffee house in Venice where we had a long talk about politics, the media, and the dumbing down of America. Or was it that America was never that bright to begin with. We then decided to take a long walk on Venice beach (at 1am) where we got into a long talk about various areas of philosophy and religion, from creationism vs. evolution, to rhetorics vs. socratic logic and reason. Our dialogue definitely ran the gambit. We talked about what Greg wanted to do with his life and such of the sort. Somewhere along the way, it was obvious to both of us, what I'm sure we had both suspected, that we were more alike than we'd previously thought, at least in how we thought. Obviously, I'm going out on a limb here assuming Greg's position on this matter, but it appeared that way to me. At points it almost seemed scary how similar we were, though it did appear that we handled things differently and came to different conclusions often. There is always some comfort in knowing that there's someone else who has similar struggles and thoughts. As we drove to Santa Monica to attempt to break into our old office building, we had an enlightening conversation about our relationships with others and how we dealt with our social selves.

When I was a kid, I felt different than the other kids. My parents assured me that all kids felt different during their younger years, but that I wasn't that different after all using as evidence the fact that we all had in common the fact that we all felt different. When I grew up (as in reached my 20s), I realized that in one respect my parents were right, we all DID feel that we were different. However, I also learned that I really was different, (and still am). Some might view this comment as egotistical, or ego-centric, but it really is not meant to be, nor do I believe it is. While I've learned to interact comfortable in social settings (quite a feat), I still most often do not prefer to go through the effort. I question everything, and think about every angle of every aspect of my life, all the time. You can ask my wife about my obsession with efficiency. Its not that I'm anal either, I just think about everything, and I mean everything. Greg is probably the only person I've met who obviously has this same history and present. I also think we both suffer from seeing others as flawed for not being cynical enough.

Neither of us have close friends, though we both have friends. We aren't exactly sure why we don't have close friends, but it probably has to do with how others do not think about every minute thing as much as we do, so it is easier to be alone with our thoughts than with others often. But there is the ever present issue of the need for acceptance and how that plays into our personal happiness. I think we both struggle with accepting ourselves in a world where we may really be different and thus not in the inner circle of most of our friends. I think I've managed to strike some sort of balance between my social self and my inner self, which by necessity, are different. Its not that I'm not myself with others, its just that it takes effort to relate. I spend time with friends outside of work, and always have a good time. I honestly believe that my friends now like me and accept me for who I am, even though they aren't sure what to make of me most of the time. Its taken a lot of effort to realize that social acceptance is in many ways a necessity for personal happiness.

As we worked for an hour or two to figure out the best way to break into the building and upon finding it, attempt its execution, we talked about the issue of happiness (among other things). We both felt that the pursuit of truth is probably our greatest source of unhappiness. We also both agreed that the pursuit of truth was too important a thing to discontinue just for happiness. Given this belief, I used to believe that happiness would always remain just out of reach, if I were to keep my integrity. I've been obsessed for quite some time on the issue of being responsible for any question you know to ask, whether you know the answer yet or not (I think I've written in my blog about this before right?). I'd sought my unhappiness and found it, but found there was nothing I could do about it and reasoned it was my lot to be unhappy most of the time. At some point I took a different approach though and instead of trying to solve my unhappiness issue by rectifying the source (a logical hypothesis), I decided to seek after happiness. It sounds subtle, but given that one direction had led to a brick wall, the second option opened many more doorways. I also realized that being happy actually aided my pursuit of truth (paralleling my discussion on divorce and being a more productive member of society when you are not tortured). The issue is that happiness is a self-centered issue that can never be ignored. Even after you admit you will always be unhappy (something I believe is a flaw now), you still can never come to full terms with it. It takes a lot of brain power being unhappy and thinking about that unhappiness... brain power that can be used for better things.

As I've stated before, I'm happy now. Its no one thing, more a combination of things which intertwined have lead to this. I still have my interminable issue of pursuing the truth at all times, but I've managed to augment it with things that bring me happiness despite of its weight. I do not feel I compromised my integrity to achieve it either.

Even though we eventually found the safest way in to the building, we never made it in. The same cop car had driven by twice and it was obvious that we looked suspicious. We decided to wait for another time. In many ways, it was this conversation that helped me put together all of these thoughts into a single meaning, which had evaded me previously. Part of the pursuit of truth is realizing there is an infinite number of questions and an infinite number of answers. While figuring out how to be happy is significant, it is just a milestone, I realize this. For years now I have been pondering Greg. Knowing that he is my mirror in many ways helps me put some pieces of the puzzle together, but as obsessed with answers as I am, I still have not found the answer of Greg. It is my sincere hope that he finds happiness. I believe he will.

Posted by wonko at April 17, 2003 05:09 PM

Comments

Posted by: kasei at April 18, 2003 09:09 PM

Posted by: Wonko at April 18, 2003 09:15 PM

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