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April 24, 2003
Pondering The Hours
I just watched the movie The Hours. Besides all the trouble we had watching our bootleg VCD, and besides Derek talking and being frisky with his g/f during the movie... it was a great movie. I definitely need to see it again, and you should too.After the movie I had a strange, but not uncommon, sensation come to me and I was finally able to identify it. In some ways I miss being depressed. The more I analyzed the feeling I realize it might not be the actual being depressed I miss, so much as the intensity of emotion that comes with depression. That type of intensity fosters creativity.
A while ago I wrote this as a reply to THIS blog entry by Kasei.
"I too can empathize. I have often grimly wished I was hit by a car and paralized because of how that would force me to feel and take action with my life. I recognize the world is fucked and wonder at my lack of emotion for it or people on it. I frequently feel guilty for not feeling more, but I do not feel much in general. I crave forced emotion as an alternative to no emotion at all. That said, I find meaning and solice in the rawness of nature. Being confronted by the elements, with my own insignificance and inadequacies forces a sort of realism I do not get in the 'real working world', interacting with 'real' people. Hanging on the side of a rock face, I am confronted with the importance, or lack thereof of my own mortality. Confronted with my fears. I come out of these experiences humbled, but more whole. I believe in myself and recognize I have to work on my inadequacies. I am the alien in nature. It is not mine to have the power over. The facade of control in the 'real world' is just that; a futile attempt at convincing ourselves we are in control with the help of modernaty and technology. The world is... outside. "
As I read that I have a hard time believing I actually agree with it, but since I was the one who wrote it, I must have meant it.
I'll leave you with an apropos quote from Swingers that Kasei just reminded me of.
"Everyday you wake up the pain is a little less. Then one day you wake up and the pain is gone. But its like you almost miss that pain because, you know, you lived with it for so long. "
Posted by wonko at April 24, 2003 11:11 PM
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