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August 09, 2003
Defcon 11: The Struggle
Nearing the end of my rantings from Defcon. This was from the night I got back.------------------------------------
8-4-03
As I view the struggle from above I wonder how the struggle itself has mutated over the years. The angst over the struggle itself is all concerned with the future and what it holds. A question without an answer is not nearly as intimidating if it did not affect ones future. Once decisions are tied to directions leading towards ends, they become more urgent. Has the struggle changed? During my 'work' time, the struggle was about where 'the work' would go? Afterwards it was the decision on what to do or not to. I suppose its still similar. But the struggle, the answers, were greatly influenced by the answer to a question I did not know. Who was I? It seemed obvious that upon finding that answer, the rest would become clear. I was obviously mistaken. It is not completely clear. I've resolved to defining missions. What is different about THIS mission is that I can not see very far into the future as to its outcome. Is it safe to go on this crusade. What are the consequences if I'm wrong? What do I fear? I know the answer to that. I fear finding myself too idealistic, unable to function in a society that requires laying ones ideals aside frequently in order to get along, much less progress in it. At that point, being forced back into the world might be impossible. I feel as if I've reached, or are close to the tipping point. Should I decide to set aside my ideals, I might be able to convince myself I'm doing the 'right thing'. If I continue on this crusade, I'm probably close to passing the point of no return. Is that true? I've got work to do, can I beat the system by having both worlds. Letting the system feed my idealism. Work on my terms. It seems there are 4 possible paths. 1. Ditch the crusade and try and get along like every else. 2. Try and compromise, having two personas, a work one and an idealistic one. 3. Try and find a job that completely embodies my crusade. 4. Continue with the crusade as I have been and see how far I can possibly take it, regardless of the consequences.
Number 2 seems the most prudent, but would probably be the most difficult. Its hard to serve two masters. 3 is definitely an option, but not an answer. 4 is to do nothing but continue as I have and see where it goes. Certainly this coincides with point 4 of my crusades credo. Trusting things will work out and not worrying. However, you can see the circular nature of using that argument for continuing. If I'm wrong, credo 4 will prevent me from ever seeing it... maybe until its too late. The problem with credo 4 is that it requires blind faith. Once you question it, its negated. Is religion the same way? Does it not work if you doubt it?
Posted by wonko at August 9, 2003 02:42 PM
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