Brain Flossing

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August 31, 2003

Doubt on my mind.

Got back from LA last night and had to work today. I'll be working tomorrow and the next day as well. For some reason work hasn't been so bad. I think its because I know I'm moving away from it. It no longer looms over me as this inescapable counter weight on my scale of ideals. At the same time, the more I see myself actually making decisions which distance myself from 'work', the more anxious I become. What will become of me? I keep giving myself reasons why my slow exodus makes sense even if my new 'plans', if they can be called that, do not work out.

I reason that my current job has no future for me anyway. It does nothing to further the talents I do have and may even make me more complacent in a job with so few responsibilities. I second guess my reasons though, wondering how many are justifications. Some would say the computer work I've been offered is a step in the right direction, but it still seems meaningless. Partly because, while they've shown interest in the work I'm doing FOR THEM, they never follow through with their parts, leaving my work incomplete.
I also reason that even if my lose plans for a new me fall through, the lack of my current employer to fall back on will force me into something different anyway. Sometimes something different is better than nothing at all because even if we move in the wrong direction at least we KNOW that it is wrong, taking us closer to the right direction. Knowing where NOT to look can be just as important as knowing where to look. But this too may just be a justification.
Maybe I have an overly romanticized view of what I hope my future will become. This is probably how would-be-actors work as waiters for so many years. The vision of themselves, after they've MADE IT, gives them so much elation, they can't help but follow. The realities that await most of these poor souls looks less like a romantic dream and more like an unfulfilling turgid reality after having sold their soul to get there. To their defense, can you blame them for following a dream as unrealistic as it is? Maybe.

The thing is, I don't really know where I'm going in the first place, much to my dismay. I only have a vague sense of direction that feels right. But alas, I am still being to vague. I promise to be more specific and less obtuse in the future. I hope you'll forgive me.

If all else fails, at least the journey will have been interesting.

Posted by wonko at August 31, 2003 07:48 AM

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