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September 22, 2003
Trans-Sierra: Philisophical Summary
I'm beginning to get back into the swing of life and expect to be updating my blog daily as I have a lot of thoughts on a great many matters. I have two summaries, the Philosophical one and the Anecdotal One. I'll give them separately for brevity.Before I went on the trip, a good many people said, matter of factly, "Going to find yourself eh?" To clear up the matter, that was NEVER my intention. Furthermore, I don't believe you can 'find yourself' by going somewhere alone. The idea came to me before I knew what my intentions were. In the end, I went to gain perspective on what I was doing. With this perspective I was hoping I'd be able to boldly commit to my new direction with less fear and trepidation. Especially as it related to my corporate decisions like working less at P3 and becoming a writer/guide.
In hindsight, I got a lot out of this trip, but unfortunately, I am still very wary about my new direction. Case in point, I wrote previously about how, before I left, I told my boss I wanted to cut down my hours and he may even want to consider not thinking of me as a manager. It was a vague conversation and I wasn't sure what he really heard. Well, a day after getting back from my trip, I was talking to a co-worker/friend and he mentioned he was going to be working more at P3 this winter. I thought that was grand and told him so. He then mentioned, almost in passing, that he guessed he was taking my job. There it was. It was exactly what I, myself, had asked for. Yet I couldn't help but feel fear. Now that momentum was carrying my ideological decisions into actions which affected me and those around me, had I made the right choice? Still tough to say. My wife, (or whife if you're kicken' it old skool) said that I'm afraid to trust myself, and she's probably right.
One analogy I thought of while on the trip, no doubt influenced by my having read Blue Mars, was that I felt as a person between two worlds. I am leaving the large one which has considerable gravity trying to pull me back and am trying to get to a smaller one with far less gravity to pull me in. At this moment, I do not feel like I've gotten far enough away from the world I'm leaving, or close enough to the one I'm headed for to just coast. Its taking constant pushing away from the old, while pulling towards the new.
What I DID come away with was a better relationship with time, as well as a better relationship with possessions. I had mentioned before that time was always a problem for me. Always hounding me. Being out there where I had so much time to see the little things helped me see how important that ethos is. Now that I'm back and almost in full-swing, I still feel more relaxed. I will be productive in the time I have, but I don't need to worry about not getting things done 'in time'. You do what you can and thats all you can do. Also, when you're living life with only what you can carry, you get a better sense of what possessions are really necessary vs. luxury. There are far more items that should fall into that luxury category than we'd like to admit. I'd been moving towards a healthier view of 'things' for a while, but this change in my view of 'time' is sudden. I'm hoping it sticks. I'm trying to be conscious of when I feel my old nemesis riding my tail and just trying to ignore him.
Well, thats a first pass at some of the things I've come away with. There's more to come, much more. I'm planning on leaving again for the Palisades this weekend to try and catch Doug Robinson and see about apprenticing. I guess a lot will depend on that.
Posted by wonko at September 22, 2003 09:09 PM
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Comments
Time does not hound, it simply exists in our realm just as any tool. It is up to us to learn how to utilize the tool coorectly and wisely for it's specific purpose/purposes. Material possesions are creations of this society that falsely identify one. It saddens me to see how so many strive to have more and as they acquire more they are less compassionate and become so much more selfish... more, I need more! Not satisfied nor grateful for what they have. I have found that those that have less material possesions always have so much more goodness and peace in their hearts. Amazing concept.
Posted by: pdhman at September 22, 2003 10:31 PM
A wise teenager once asked me, "Who's in charge of your time?" Hmmmm
Posted by: at September 23, 2003 10:56 AM
While time and possessions may be an illusion. They are legitimized by our past. That is to say, at the point at which some ethereal concept becomes completely ingrained, it becomes real. In order to make it unreal, we have to relearn those realities. Normally this type of learning is initiated as a child, but reinforced throughout our lives. Hence why so many people feel 'stuck' in their current position. Its ingrained that those other options aren't really options at all and that they did everything right. Its a constant struggle to unlearn that which seems innate.
Posted by: Wonko at September 23, 2003 11:17 AM
I think this is all part of my "Drone Theory". You don't know what this is yet because I haven't explained it. Though, I'll be working on that entry for my blog over the next couple of days and I'll trackback here when it's completed.
Posted by: Obigabu at September 24, 2003 09:30 AM
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