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January 10, 2004

Heading in the wrong direction: I'm a home owner, landlord, and building manager now.

I haven't updated for a couple days, though this is not an apology. Sometimes its hard to say what I feel, but in the interest of being honest with myself through this medium, I'm going to swing wide the floodgates.

It was never fully decided until it was. Sarah wanted the place and I didn't. I spoke at length before about my reservations of buying a place in general and buying THIS place. The process continued, we moved forward, I only felt worse. I started running out of real excuses other than my hating the place and just not feeling good about the the place and the process. The process is largely to blame, it wasn't good. The owners epitomized ones nightmare of the worst case scenario when buying something this big. Of course, it was the holidays. Everyone was busy. Information did not come in the timely fashion one would hope for. Our realtor is also partly to blame. It doesn't seem like she's been doing this for long and the mistakes she made, though not big, were too simple to excuse lightly. What else was missed? Are the owners telling us everything? I certainly don't trust them.

While everyone agreed this was a great investment opportunity, everyone also agreed (except Sarah and our realtor) that this place needed a lot of work. I don't mean a lot of work, I mean a LOT of work. Its really explained best by saying it would be easier and shorter to list the things that DON'T need work than to try and go through what WILL need work. It ALL needs work. Work costs money. More money than I EVER dreamt on spending on ANY place for the rest of my life. To me, this massive black hole of time and money appeared to be the polar opposite of where I was trying to go. All of the explanations about how other people would really be doing the work did not fool me. A house in good shape takes a good amount of time from the homeowners, time I was just barely getting used to the idea of. This was in a whole other league. I felt... I feel my concerns are well founded.

Everyone kept saying it was a good investment, but I still felt bad. Really bad. I didn't like the place. Not at all. Not the area, not the inside, not the out. So I did what I felt I had to do, even though it was really hard. I said no. I said that I felt bad enough about it that I couldn't go along with the decision. Sarah wasn't happy. She was willing to have me ignore my feelings so that we could have THIS place because after all, its not just a place, its land. Its our building and our tenets. It was and is unreasonable to believe we'd find another property that we could afford, that wasn't a condo with high fees and little control. That was the argument. But I still couldn't get myself to agree to something just because of the money. It had to be more than that right? Thats what I've been saying for the last 2 years, happiness first, than the money. So I said no, and that would be that.

If not for the realtor, who decided on her own not to tell the owners right away that we'd backed out. She thought she'd give us a day to think about it. The next day she told me she hadn't slept. Then my boss got involved and the pressure escalated. There seemed no real way out, no mutually positive decision. So I gave up fighting and gave in. I said I'd agree to buy it and make it our home, at least for the next couple years, but I had caveats. Unbendable contingencies that I would demand of my wife.

First, this was not my home and I did not want to stay here longer than we had to. Second, if we did realize this places investment potential and did make a good amount of money on it, we would NOT simply use that money as a small down payment on an even more expensive place. This was a means to an end, so we could pay off our debt and get MUCH CLOSER to owning a place outright, without payments. I would stick to that, even if it meant leaving Mammoth. Third, we would change our (her) spending habits. We needed to start having our spending reflect who we wanted to be and where we wanted to go. Finally, Sarah needs to figure out where she's going and who she wants to be. Your path will be determined for you by the actions you fall into, that society will pressure you to, unless you determine it for yourself. Then she signed the papers. I did not feel better.

Days have past and I still do not feel better. If anything I feel worse. We had agreed we both wanted a simple life. We had agreed that a simpler life was a more joyful life, one with more options and fewer meaningless responsibilities. Well things are about to get a lot more complex, even as I was struggling to keep fighting for my mission. Even as I continue to fight for what I believe, against what I know is untrue and unhealthy. Sarah has made promises about what my role will be in this new venture. I do not believe any of them. I don't believe Sarah is lying, I just know she underestimates the decision we've made.

I am not the only one. Others share my struggle. I continuously go back to my greatest fear, that it doesn't matter if I'm right, you can't beat the system. Its easier to give in and do what they tell you than spend the rest of your life fighting. Yeah, maybe by giving in you are accepting the life of nagging meaninglessness that plagues so many, many of whom never knew they had a choice, but maybe the alternative is worse. A life of struggle for what you know is right, but can never attain.

I haven't given up. I was dealt a mighty blow, but I haven't broken yet. I've always held that happiness comes second to truth. My path is determined and I still believe my path of struggle is only worse now because I am in between two worlds. I know it is naive to think I'll ever reach some point where there will no longer be a need to struggle, but I have to believe my struggle will lead me continuously in the right direction, which itself is reason enough to continue the struggle.

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

Posted by wonko at January 10, 2004 08:45 PM

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