August 06, 2004
Day 3: Towards Arcata - Struggling for Joy
We left Mammoth yesterday in the afternoon and drove through Tahoe to San Francisco. In SF we met up with a friend of mine from Mammoth that had moved back to the city. He hadn't settled into his new place yet, so we were staying at his friends' house south of town. We wet out for some good indian, some drinks at Zeitgeist, and visited various friends of his. I love visiting San Francisco, it has so much character. The people seem to feed off the character of the city and develop their own 'characters'. That is to say, there are a lot of unique people in San Francisco. It is a town where some degree of individuality is actually encouraged. Everyone is an artist and sees the world through different eyes. I can see how living in a city like SF would give you artists eyes. Adam (my friend) called it Visually Interesting.
We left SF around noon and started driving up the 1. The California coast, north of SF, is simply breathtaking. The one is an endless windy 2 lane road traversing the tops of stark cliffs which drop straight into the Pacific. We visited a beautiful beachfront plot that Greg's parents own, with the intention of building a house there. It is above a beach they call Bowling Ball Beach. Its hard to explain what makes it so unique, so I'll have to post pictures. We are taking an insane amount of pictures. I can already see the monolithic, daunting task of going through them to create an interesting abbreviated set. We also had a close encounter with a pair of friendly raccoons which we have good pictures of. We're headed the final leg of our today's drive to Arcata. The decision to take the 1 most likely added many hours to today's drive, but I'd say it was worth it. We should get to Zack in Arcata by midnight.
I drove most of the day and was lost in thought for most of it. I am struggling for joy. I am treading water and struggling to stay above. Already I have seen new places, met new people, but I don't have the same excitement I would have had a year ago. It's not that I don't desire it. I feel it still there, but everything that has happened recently weighs heavily on my spirit. Even the beauty of the coast and the ocean, which has always provided me with solace, seems muted. I begin every day feeling a little better, like I'm getting further from the pain, but at some point something happens that brings it all back. More bad news. I want nothing more than to have a simple life. Yet I feel I am putting almost as much energy into simplifying things, and keeping things simple, as I would be putting into a less simple life if I just gave up trying. If I just gave up trying... At every turn life throws complications. Most of which are not necessary. All of these games being played and no way to just opt out and assert to the world that you don't think the games are fair, necessary, or in any way constructive and as such refuse to play. You have to play. So I am seeking the joy I once found from within. I know its still there, its just buried under the rubble of a life which turned into confusion and regret.
Posted by wonko at August 6, 2004 12:17 AM
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