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January 08, 2005
Retrospective 2004 and a look ahead.
I will probably remember 2003 as one of the best years of my life. In 2003 I finally began to feel really good about myself, where I was going, and where I was at. I felt happy, alive and in the right place. 2004 was a different story. I will probably remember 2004 as one of the worst years of my life, also punctuated by significant personal change, including the loss of everything I gained in 2003.
I do need to thank those that helped me get through 2004 though. Without their help, I don't think I would have made it. So, to these people, in no order, please accept my deep gratitude: Greg, my mom & dad, my brother and sister-in-law, Caleb, uncle Paul & aunt Sarah, Steve, Matt, Richard, Al, Terri, Brandon & Katie, Bruce, Eric, Bryce, Nir, Oded, Megan, Christie, Cindy, Shuli, Lauren, Racehl, Annie, Giuseppe, Ofelia, Dennis, Henry, Nick, Gina, Annie, and I'm sure there are more that I missed. I can never fully express my immense appreciation for what you've all done for me. You are all really good people and true friends.
Inspired by the blogs of 2 of my friends, I am going to try and list the significant events of 2004 for me.
- Bought my first house
- Lost my first house
- Lost my wife of 7 years
- Lost my self-esteem and direction
- Figured out who my real friends were.
- Spent an evening in the desert with over $3,000 of fireworks.
- Only climbed once in an entire year.
- Lots of backcountry snowboarding, (Baby Morrison, The Crest (Red Cone), Mt. Dana, The Negatives
- Boarded The Sherwins at midnight under a full-moon.
- Climbed Mt. Shasta in the winter.
- Drove across the US with Kasei for a month. Took 10,000 pictures.
- Went to Europe for the first time; went to 9 countries in 3 months.
- Slept on airport floors
- Slept on a sail boat
- Learned other languages (ok, just a couple words)
- Got a hat.
- Lived out of a suitcase/backpack, without a place of my own for 7 months.
- Played circle of kings with English, Norwegian, Israeli, Australian, Spanish, Italian, Slavic, and American people.
- Wished I was anywhere but here, anyone but me, anytime but now
- Had my stuff stolen
- Blacked out (a few times)
- Gave up (a few times)
- Worked in an office-space cubicle and had meetings about functional organizational plans
- Ran from the pain
- Wrote Treatises
- Cried
- Got a 'real' job
- Let them all get away
- regretted
- Pondered bias
- Began to rebuild
- Somehow made it through 2004
So what's ahead for 2005? In some ways I'm off to a good start and in others its been rocky. The first couple days of the New Year were absolutely great. It sort of trailed off after that with a series of unfortunate coincidences making me wonder whether my friend was right when he told me it was probably my fault and a result of bad karma. I'm going under the assumption that 2005 will be a better year. It would have to be bad indeed to be worse than 04. So what are my plans and resolutions for 05?
- Move back to Mammoth in Feb.
- I will get better at talking to strangers, especially strangers of the opposite sex.
- I will be more positive
- I will get over my loss
- I will try to put the past behind me
- I will fear less
- I will get back in shape and get excited about the outdoors again
- I will become a better person
My goals aren't earth shattering. Nothing about career or trying something radically different. Its more about rebuilding. Starting from scratch to try and become a person I can feel good about. If I can accomplish that, I'm sure the rest will fall into place.
Posted by wonko at January 8, 2005 01:23 PM
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Comments
To be fair, we only took about 5400 pictures on the roadtrip. Not quite as nice a round number as 10,000, but still pretty amazing.
Other than that, I wish you the very best for the coming year. I think it'll be a good one for you.
Posted by: kasei ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.wayfargone.com/brainfloss/nav-commenters.gif)
at January 9, 2005 01:37 AM
I spoke to you only briefly during all this time. But I enjoyed reading all of your insights and personal descriptions. You have experienced so many things in the past few years. Many of which are lifealtering indeed. Reading this post sounds like you're back on a path that you can be comfortable with. I wish you all the best... though I am nowhere near you in rock climbing skills, perhaps we still can go for a couple of routes sometime in the future. Take care.
Posted by: Falke at January 18, 2005 11:03 AM
I don't feel like I'm back on the path, but I don't feel like I'm going in the 'wrong' direction either. The future is completely unknown.
Posted by: wonko at January 18, 2005 11:08 AM
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