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November 22, 2006

30 and still idealistic

I have recently felt like I was stumbling away from my idealistic inclinations. Here I am in a desk job working 60 hrs a week, not doing much more with my life. Then I really look and see that I haven't lost my ideals. I have a goal and I'm achieving that goal, but I haven't lost the my ideal of freedom. I still want to travel and try new things. I'm still not really tied down. I still have reduced my unnecessary responsibilities. I still take opportunities as they come. I've come a long way of merging the public and private selves. Whether I am or not right now, I still believe I want my life to be meaningful and helpful to others. They still call me DangerAdam. :) I'm not saying I'm better than anyway, or even that I'm the only person who's done this. It's just that, on some level, almost everyone says when they're 24 or so that they're going to hold on to their idealism, that they're not gonna become a square (not that anyone uses that antiquated term), but its a significantly smaller margin that actually make it to 30 and keep to their word. Somewhere around there you tend to grow up and settle down.

That said, 30 is still young. Call me again when I'm 35 or 40 and see if I'm not a liar. The likelihood of keeping it decreases over time. Then again, it increases in other ways. The older you get, the more solidified you become as a person. The older you get, the less likely you are to radically change. Going from idealism to 'used to be idealistic' is a radical change. Even at 30 I feel I've stabilized a great deal. I'm still changing, but not as radically and not as fast. Yet, I'm holding on... As I've always said, it may be to my detriment that I'm so stubborn on this specific issue, but that's the very thing that makes holding on to it so hard. At some level, you tend to give it up because you just don't think its sustainable. If you really had no doubt, you probably would have kept it. From my perspective, people give out before they really know if it is or not. They just get the message that the jury came back for everyone and said it wasn't and on a related note, you're not exempt. So you never appeal. Well, I keep appealing. Oh, I'm a far cry from being declared innocent, but at least I'm not guilty. Some cases stay in appeals court for a long time....

I guess that's where this metaphor breaks down. There's no way a case can literally be in appeals course forever. Yet I suspect that is exactly what living an idealistic life is really about, living in constant defiance of the obvious despite losing case after case, until someone has enough proof to convict you.

Posted by wonko at November 22, 2006 11:12 PM

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Posted by: useEvil at November 25, 2006 12:36 PM

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